Chapter closed:New Beginnings

So, the past few months have been a roller coaster of emotions for me..and yesterday there was a significant change in my life that came with bittersweet feelings. As a mother, I was devastated that my daughters father moved 8 hours away after raising her since she was born and seeing her almost every day.. as a woman, I was relieved that a part of my life that brought me so many ups and downs was closed and a new beginning is here. We are all different in how we grieve things like this, the ending of relationships, marriages, just endings and people leaving our lives in general. I did not realize how unhappy I had been until my self esteem kicked back in high gear yesterday knowing that I had all the information and got closure. The information that I found out was hard to hear, but it made me realize that I had made the right choice in ending an unhealthy relationship that I once thought was going to be my forever. Ya know the saying of how a relationship has to be loving, trusting, and compromise is key? Yeah... none of the three elements were there any longer and I finally realized I was sticking around out of fear of being alone. "It's better to feel lonely when you are alone, than lonely when you are with someone." Sums it up. I went 34 years without experiencing heartbreak. This one was my first..and it is true: I spent a week about a month ago, curled up, eating Ben and Jerry's, reading It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken", and sleeping like it was my favorite thing to do. I think that was my sign that whatever we once had together was no longer there. I would have been fine if I was the only one affected by this decision, but having children makes it so much more painful because of the energy I had to spend "acting as if" I was happy as could be and that nothing was changing. I admit: I was not very good at that. I couldn't handle the tension surrounding our family knowing that I did not know if my 5 yr old child's father would stay in town or move home, which happens to be in another state and 8 long hours away. He made his choice. As a mother, I could not imagine moving away from my children. I know that these are life issues, and people can choose, and some might not agree with me. But, taking a one way flight without a plan in place to see my children....um, no. This has been a lesson. The hardest lesson of my life. I know that for personal reasons, I am a happier person with this chapter of life closing, but as a mother, I ache for my daughter and honestly don't have words. She asks where daddy is and I typically breeze over it right now, but its been 6 days since she has seen him and it will get worse before it gets better. Life is a wild ride. I do know one thing for sure: I will smile each and every day when I wake up to my wonderful children, and they will be raised with the most amazing love and guidance. Hello single motherhood- I am ready. 

Deep breaths, sticking close to a great friend, and lots of laughter is my plan for now. Stay strong if you can relate. I am right there with you. I am struggling with not having regrets. I always say I don't regret anything in life because of the lessons I learn...but for my child, I am regretting keeping her father in the picture for so long now that she has to experience this loss and hole in her heart. For now, we are off for a weekend of fun and I am officially closing the talk about this part of our lives.. It's called a breakup because its broken! 

x,
Hillary

The Simple Things- Our Weekend

via Google+ Inspiration Page

I am so content today and I couldn't figure out why. Now I know. We didn't do a darn thing over the weekend! Well, we functioned- but nothing "exciting" was on the agenda for once. This is very unusual and typically a struggle for myself and for my kiddos to get through these "boring" weekends. I have passed on my "I'm bored" gene to both of them. No bueno.

 This weekend was so simple yet so amazingly freeing. I noticed that the kids actually played together and did not ask me for one single thing that costs money- well except the usual "can we go to Magic Mountain? " request that is 99.9% of the time denied immediately & was denied again ha. I am sorry but that place causes an immediate anxiety attack for me! 

We watched movies, played, talked, ate, watched movies, played, talked, ate, wash and repeat. It was fantastic! I woke up today with a sense of calmness and so rested- and I noticed both kids did too. Made me think about the simple things in life and how I need to appreciate each moment more than I do. I am one of those people that is always thinking ahead, planning something, worrying freaking out about upcoming events/meetings/life in general...and it just isn't necessary. I am vowing to have more of these simple times in my life... not only is it beneficial for me to CHILL OUT once in awhile..but it teaches a crucial lesson to my kids that life is not a freaking party all the time! Boring can be good for the soul. Really really good. 

x,
Hillary

What have you learned today?

via tumblr

Learning... a broad topic. We learn something new every day. Let's start with today. 

Today I learned that my 5 year old can not tolerate me looking at her while she does cartwheels at gymnastics class... who knew?!? I learned very quickly when she screamed in front of all of the other parents (whose children were happy go lucky today and made my little diva really stand out as "that" kid..) that I should "read on your phone book (aka Kindle) and DO NOT WATCH ME MOMMMM!" Lesson learned. 

I have also learned so many serious lessons through my life experiences as we all have, and I believe I have learned who I am because of some not so fun challenges... which does make me believe that everything happens for a reason & that there is a plan for all of us. I feel that we have a lot of learning to do before the puzzle pieces of our lives are all in the correct spots. 

I am taking time to think about all that I have learned throughout the different time periods in my life...and how lucky I am that I am healthy & happy and able to continue to learn the lessons that are making me grow stronger as a person.  I had a "aha" moment as Oprah would put it, and I realized how strong (most of the time) and just different I am today than I once was. 

We all go through different struggles and obstacles in life, but we are all the same in that when we step back- a lesson was learned. We were changed in some way by what we endured in life. We learn compassion from going through the rough times. We learn how pure happiness feels when we are going through a "cloud 9" time in life. I am making it a priority to start journaling again and to write down something I learn each day. Something that makes me think about my life and the lives of others. I want to continue to learn from others because we are all on our own journey & never know what we can learn from hearing about another persons walk through life... I wonder what tomorrow will teach me?  I know it will be something that will continue to keep my eyes open and my feet moving forward! On that note....

Right now...I learned that it is again 4 min past midnight and my NY resolution is to control my late night insomnia...so goodnight all! 
Hillary