Chapter closed:New Beginnings

So, the past few months have been a roller coaster of emotions for me..and yesterday there was a significant change in my life that came with bittersweet feelings. As a mother, I was devastated that my daughters father moved 8 hours away after raising her since she was born and seeing her almost every day.. as a woman, I was relieved that a part of my life that brought me so many ups and downs was closed and a new beginning is here. We are all different in how we grieve things like this, the ending of relationships, marriages, just endings and people leaving our lives in general. I did not realize how unhappy I had been until my self esteem kicked back in high gear yesterday knowing that I had all the information and got closure. The information that I found out was hard to hear, but it made me realize that I had made the right choice in ending an unhealthy relationship that I once thought was going to be my forever. Ya know the saying of how a relationship has to be loving, trusting, and compromise is key? Yeah... none of the three elements were there any longer and I finally realized I was sticking around out of fear of being alone. "It's better to feel lonely when you are alone, than lonely when you are with someone." Sums it up. I went 34 years without experiencing heartbreak. This one was my first..and it is true: I spent a week about a month ago, curled up, eating Ben and Jerry's, reading It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken", and sleeping like it was my favorite thing to do. I think that was my sign that whatever we once had together was no longer there. I would have been fine if I was the only one affected by this decision, but having children makes it so much more painful because of the energy I had to spend "acting as if" I was happy as could be and that nothing was changing. I admit: I was not very good at that. I couldn't handle the tension surrounding our family knowing that I did not know if my 5 yr old child's father would stay in town or move home, which happens to be in another state and 8 long hours away. He made his choice. As a mother, I could not imagine moving away from my children. I know that these are life issues, and people can choose, and some might not agree with me. But, taking a one way flight without a plan in place to see my children....um, no. This has been a lesson. The hardest lesson of my life. I know that for personal reasons, I am a happier person with this chapter of life closing, but as a mother, I ache for my daughter and honestly don't have words. She asks where daddy is and I typically breeze over it right now, but its been 6 days since she has seen him and it will get worse before it gets better. Life is a wild ride. I do know one thing for sure: I will smile each and every day when I wake up to my wonderful children, and they will be raised with the most amazing love and guidance. Hello single motherhood- I am ready. 

Deep breaths, sticking close to a great friend, and lots of laughter is my plan for now. Stay strong if you can relate. I am right there with you. I am struggling with not having regrets. I always say I don't regret anything in life because of the lessons I learn...but for my child, I am regretting keeping her father in the picture for so long now that she has to experience this loss and hole in her heart. For now, we are off for a weekend of fun and I am officially closing the talk about this part of our lives.. It's called a breakup because its broken! 

x,
Hillary