Chapter closed:New Beginnings

So, the past few months have been a roller coaster of emotions for me..and yesterday there was a significant change in my life that came with bittersweet feelings. As a mother, I was devastated that my daughters father moved 8 hours away after raising her since she was born and seeing her almost every day.. as a woman, I was relieved that a part of my life that brought me so many ups and downs was closed and a new beginning is here. We are all different in how we grieve things like this, the ending of relationships, marriages, just endings and people leaving our lives in general. I did not realize how unhappy I had been until my self esteem kicked back in high gear yesterday knowing that I had all the information and got closure. The information that I found out was hard to hear, but it made me realize that I had made the right choice in ending an unhealthy relationship that I once thought was going to be my forever. Ya know the saying of how a relationship has to be loving, trusting, and compromise is key? Yeah... none of the three elements were there any longer and I finally realized I was sticking around out of fear of being alone. "It's better to feel lonely when you are alone, than lonely when you are with someone." Sums it up. I went 34 years without experiencing heartbreak. This one was my first..and it is true: I spent a week about a month ago, curled up, eating Ben and Jerry's, reading It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken", and sleeping like it was my favorite thing to do. I think that was my sign that whatever we once had together was no longer there. I would have been fine if I was the only one affected by this decision, but having children makes it so much more painful because of the energy I had to spend "acting as if" I was happy as could be and that nothing was changing. I admit: I was not very good at that. I couldn't handle the tension surrounding our family knowing that I did not know if my 5 yr old child's father would stay in town or move home, which happens to be in another state and 8 long hours away. He made his choice. As a mother, I could not imagine moving away from my children. I know that these are life issues, and people can choose, and some might not agree with me. But, taking a one way flight without a plan in place to see my children....um, no. This has been a lesson. The hardest lesson of my life. I know that for personal reasons, I am a happier person with this chapter of life closing, but as a mother, I ache for my daughter and honestly don't have words. She asks where daddy is and I typically breeze over it right now, but its been 6 days since she has seen him and it will get worse before it gets better. Life is a wild ride. I do know one thing for sure: I will smile each and every day when I wake up to my wonderful children, and they will be raised with the most amazing love and guidance. Hello single motherhood- I am ready. 

Deep breaths, sticking close to a great friend, and lots of laughter is my plan for now. Stay strong if you can relate. I am right there with you. I am struggling with not having regrets. I always say I don't regret anything in life because of the lessons I learn...but for my child, I am regretting keeping her father in the picture for so long now that she has to experience this loss and hole in her heart. For now, we are off for a weekend of fun and I am officially closing the talk about this part of our lives.. It's called a breakup because its broken! 

x,
Hillary

The Unknown

I don't like the feeling of the unknown. I am a planner- I need to know what is coming next. Life is in a holding pattern right now and I am not diggin it. Sometimes it is hard to know in your heart that everything happens for a reason... but not yet know what that reason is. We are all in this holding pattern at times and I have been here before...but right now just was not the time I envisioned being stuck in this funk. Sooo, what can I do to feel better?

 Here are the top 5 things I do when I am in this unsettling place on this roller coaster we call LIFE.

1. Read uplifting and/or funny books- Chelsea Handler can typically help a girl out and Emily Giffin is amazing and writes such realistic books :)

2. Exercise. It is the LAST thing I want to do, but the post workout endorphin's are amazing for my mood.

3. Daydream.... ya know, thinking about fun times in life..always makes me realize things could be worse. 

4. Call a friend and VENT! This one I have trouble doing when I am in this place of the unknown, I tend to withdrawal from socializing in general. I have to work on picking up the phone and spilling my guts. It is the trust issues... Calling Dr. Phil! 

5. A good solid cry in my pillow! Crying can be good for the soul, ya know!

That's all I have today.... anyone have any "get out of a lingering life funk" tips? I would love to hear them! Help a girl out. 

x,

Hillary

Chasing My Life Dreams in The Ville... : My Favorite Things

Chasing My Life Dreams in The Ville... : My Favorite Things: Pictures of things/activities/places that I love! All are a huge part of my life! wine magnets- love! United States of America   ...

The Simple Things- Our Weekend

via Google+ Inspiration Page

I am so content today and I couldn't figure out why. Now I know. We didn't do a darn thing over the weekend! Well, we functioned- but nothing "exciting" was on the agenda for once. This is very unusual and typically a struggle for myself and for my kiddos to get through these "boring" weekends. I have passed on my "I'm bored" gene to both of them. No bueno.

 This weekend was so simple yet so amazingly freeing. I noticed that the kids actually played together and did not ask me for one single thing that costs money- well except the usual "can we go to Magic Mountain? " request that is 99.9% of the time denied immediately & was denied again ha. I am sorry but that place causes an immediate anxiety attack for me! 

We watched movies, played, talked, ate, watched movies, played, talked, ate, wash and repeat. It was fantastic! I woke up today with a sense of calmness and so rested- and I noticed both kids did too. Made me think about the simple things in life and how I need to appreciate each moment more than I do. I am one of those people that is always thinking ahead, planning something, worrying freaking out about upcoming events/meetings/life in general...and it just isn't necessary. I am vowing to have more of these simple times in my life... not only is it beneficial for me to CHILL OUT once in awhile..but it teaches a crucial lesson to my kids that life is not a freaking party all the time! Boring can be good for the soul. Really really good. 

x,
Hillary

What have you learned today?

via tumblr

Learning... a broad topic. We learn something new every day. Let's start with today. 

Today I learned that my 5 year old can not tolerate me looking at her while she does cartwheels at gymnastics class... who knew?!? I learned very quickly when she screamed in front of all of the other parents (whose children were happy go lucky today and made my little diva really stand out as "that" kid..) that I should "read on your phone book (aka Kindle) and DO NOT WATCH ME MOMMMM!" Lesson learned. 

I have also learned so many serious lessons through my life experiences as we all have, and I believe I have learned who I am because of some not so fun challenges... which does make me believe that everything happens for a reason & that there is a plan for all of us. I feel that we have a lot of learning to do before the puzzle pieces of our lives are all in the correct spots. 

I am taking time to think about all that I have learned throughout the different time periods in my life...and how lucky I am that I am healthy & happy and able to continue to learn the lessons that are making me grow stronger as a person.  I had a "aha" moment as Oprah would put it, and I realized how strong (most of the time) and just different I am today than I once was. 

We all go through different struggles and obstacles in life, but we are all the same in that when we step back- a lesson was learned. We were changed in some way by what we endured in life. We learn compassion from going through the rough times. We learn how pure happiness feels when we are going through a "cloud 9" time in life. I am making it a priority to start journaling again and to write down something I learn each day. Something that makes me think about my life and the lives of others. I want to continue to learn from others because we are all on our own journey & never know what we can learn from hearing about another persons walk through life... I wonder what tomorrow will teach me?  I know it will be something that will continue to keep my eyes open and my feet moving forward! On that note....

Right now...I learned that it is again 4 min past midnight and my NY resolution is to control my late night insomnia...so goodnight all! 
Hillary

Humor.

via @someecards

Humor. Laughter. Jokes. Pranks. (nice ones, not mean scary ones)... My favorite topic. We have all heard the saying a million trillion times... "Laughter is the best medicine". Yep, it sure is for me. I get this silly, twisted, sometimes dry sense of humor from... I think the mailman. No one else in my immediate family has the same sense of humor as me....although they pinkie promise me that I am the funniest person they know. They lie to make me feel accepted. It's cool. I understand. Not everyone can laugh at just about any situation. I can. It can be a wonderful thing. It can also get me in all sorts of trouble and shenanigans  I would not change my sense of humor for a million buckaroos. My ability to find humor on a daily basis gets me through those "I want to hide under the covers on my amaze-balls memory foam bed" days that we all have- and if you do not have those types of days in your life, please insert your name next to "liar" in the dictionary :).... Side note: I just had to add amaze-balls to my online dictionary because I am sick and tired of Chrome telling me it is not proper grammar. Listen, I know no one wants to read blog posts full of grammar errors...but be forewarned, there will be grammar errors on occasion here. Feel free to be the grammar police for me...but I really enjoy making up words so I won't always care. Classy? Nope. I didn't start this blogging jazz to be classy, I started it to be 150% ME. I love writing. I love sharing stories. I love love love reading other blogs, and I LOVE TO LAUGH... and that is why I am blogging. So I will get all into my jibber jabber at times and not put the i before the e except after c..if you get my drift. I want to share some fun things about myself here...and link up and share with others... tonight I desperately needed to laugh...and boom- Humor is posted. 

Top 5 ways I end up laughing so hard I am shedding tears:

1. Modern Family. Enough said.

2. Browsing through the someecards app on my Android. Some are just wrong!! So dang funny.

3. Tripping. I trip over my own feet at least 3 times a day. In public. Then I laugh at myself. Can you picture it? Not classy. 

4. Ellen. Ellen D. NEEDS to be my BFF. I can't get through a minute without laughing. Love her. ps- if you don't follow her producer Andy Lassner on Twitter, you must. He is the corn to my cob when it comes to humor. 

5. Sitting in any meeting/service/function when laughing is completely inappropriate. That is the worst. Ya know...you have a small joke with someone, not even funny, and then you can not get yourself under control and end up making a complete joke of yourself....yeah, that would be me. 

So there ya have it. Always remember... "you can have all the mayo in the world, but ya can't make chicken salad outta chicken crap!"

Til manana,

Hillary